In honor of April 15, some light reading:
Kendrell Bell, a Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker, tells of his great awakening to the verities of income tax: ”I got a million-dollar signing bonus. But then I got the check, and it was only $624,000. I thought, Oh, well, I’ll get the other half later. Then I found out that’s all there was. I thought, They can’t do this to me. Then I got on the Internet and I found out they can.”
You.. can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You say.. “Steve.. how can I be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes?” First.. get a million dollars. Now.. you say, “Steve.. what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, ‘You.. have never paid taxes’?” Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: “I forgot!” How many times do we let ourselves get into terrible situations because we don’t say “I forgot”? Let’s say you’re on trial for armed robbery. You say to the judge, “I forgot armed robbery was illegal.” Let’s suppose he says back to you, “You have committed a foul crime. you have stolen hundreds and thousands of dollars from people at random, and you say, ‘I forgot’?” Two simple words: Excuuuuuse me!!”
Alas, he reports, it doesn’t work.
New MexiKen recalls the words of Will Rogers: “The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.”
If you’ve run out of ways to procrastinate, try these helpful techniques from sz at World O’Crap:
Well, this year I was going to do them early, so in February I took all of the forms and receipts and stuff from the file where I throw tax stuff, and put everything on the kitchen table, so it would be right there, guilting me about my taxes every time I walked into the kitchen. And I did feel guilty, and vowed frequently to do taxes the very next day. However, after a few weeks of this, I had to hurriedly clean the kitchen because company was coming, and I scooped up everything and put it … somewhere.
I didn’t think about taxes again until yesterday, when I saw some reference to the 15th being tax day and panicked. So, I watched “CSI” and “Missing” to help me focus. Then I arranged my calculator, stapler, pencils, and such on the table, and got out the file that’s supposed to contain all my tax stuff — and saw that it was empty. And then I remembered that I had put everything on the kitchen table, where it had sat for months, until I needed to clean up, and had put it all … somewhere.
I interrogated all of the usual suspects (drawers, magazine racks, the china cupboard, etc.), taking out their contents and demanding that they show me the tax stuff. And, in order to send a message to the clutter about the consequences of harboring fugatives, I threw away a bunch of old periodicals, expired coupons, Christmas cards, and requests for donations from my college. But the missing tax stuff remained hidden. Finally, in desperation, I tried looking in the hamster/guest/junk room. And there, under a stack of books, was the tax stuff.
There’s also amusing advice on what to do if you’re a blogger who puts up a tip jar. Not necessarily sound advice, but amusing.